Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Who, me? (It's all in fun.)

Just about every television channel now has its own, "judge" show. It seems a number of us like to see somebody else in trouble. Actually, that has been apparent since time began.

"He did it." "She did it." They did it." It wasn't me."

Of course, these are civil suits, so nobody is going to get the chair. Or, a stool either, for that matter; the litigants
must stand for the whole procedure.

One of those wearing a black robe is a completely bald fellow with a closed mouth grin and heavy wrinkles across his forehead. Although he is a grinner, his smile is reminisent of the, "cat that ate the canary" just before he pounced on said bird.

There is also a guy who frowns and smiles at the same time, which gives the plaintiff and defendant the shivering fits trying to guess where they stand on this man's face. Which is just about what they would like to do at the moment.

Then, there is the dainty-looking female judgeship who slaps the two contenders from here to breakfast with perfect manners.

My personal favorite shall remain nameless just in case I ever end up in front of any of the others, although, I cannot imagine such a thing happening. Public humiliation is not something I seek. There is no need; it comes to me like a Scud missile to its target; a lover to his beloved. No, I would pay back, work off, give back, clean up,
or whatver else was required before voluntarily appearing in front of one of these judges.

I went to court with a friend once, as moral support. The official charge was hitting John P. Citizen, the plaintiff, with a two-by-four while he was remodeling her garage. He happened to be her husband. She denied it, unequivocally. A neighbors video camera had recorded something quite different. It clearly showed my friend, Florence Citizen, swinging a board at the plaintiff's head and him falling to the garage floor. She maintained her innocence with the repeated statement, "I did not hit him with a two-by-four."

You know what; she was found not guilty. Her clever, but slippery to the touch attorney, had uncovered a startling, little known fact. There is no such thing as a two-by-four board! That's right! No such thing! Carpenters, builders and lumbermen have been telling us stories all these years. What we in the United States have innocently been referring to is in truth, only a one and five-eights inch by 3 and 1/2 inch piece of wood. Check it out.

The defendant went free, her husband went to get his bandage changed and the baliff went to get a broom and dustpan to sweep up all the split hairs on the floor where my friends attorney had been standing.

(Don't take this too seriously)


  1. Great story; laughing is so good. Deb

  2. Ha ha! Very funny Audrey!
    Sounds like you had a wonderful 4th Of July with your family too!

  3. Thanks for the laugh Audrey! This was a good one!